Tell Giselle: Is there such a thing as too generous?

Giselle Massi Tell Giselle

“Your last column about generosity hits close to home. I have been wondering, spiritually, if there is such a thing of a person being too generous. This has come to mind because I have been thinking of giving a piece of jewelry to a friend as a birthday gift.

“She is turning 45. I am not quite 70 but we have a long professional history together. I have been questioning whether or not it is the right thing to do.

“This is a necklace I got during an important relationship decades ago that she knows about. I often wore it at our office but stopped wearing it when I retired. Even though she is younger than me, I think it is a style that would look good on her. But then I think that maybe it is too personal of a gift. What do you think?”

G: I do think there is a point at which we can actually over give. And there’s the axiom of “being kind/generous/giving/forgiving to a fault.”

It is a fine line, but in my spiritual playbook, the line moves depending on the relationships and the circumstances. I know, because I learned this, like many important growing up lessons, the hard, direct way. More on that in a bit.

I think the idea of giving your friend something of value, and something that is just sitting in a drawer or box, especially jewelry that is unused, is perfectly fine. But there’s a better way to go about it than just wrapping it up and handing it over.

When there is something of real value, or has a personal backstory, a good way to sort out what to do is to let the person know of your idea. Start with some context about why you are offering this. You do not have to go into great detail. You could keep it simple and just say you thought it was something she would like. Then ask your friend if they are interested in receiving it.

This can eliminate the likelihood of creating needless awkwardness, but there’s yet another option.

The other way to go about this, is to not offer the necklace as a gift at this time. Instead, you can write it into your will. This way the person getting the item of value can receive it as an expression of your generosity and affection for them.

This of course leaves you with a possible dilemma of what to give them for their big birthday. Gift certificates to a favorite restaurant or bookstore are usually always a guaranteed hit.

Back to the lesson … years ago a woman I was close friends with at work (may her memory be a blessing) surprised me with a gold pinkie ring in the shape of a dolphin. She knew I liked dolphins. She was into making jewelry, mostly semi-precious stones that she picked out at gem conventions. She would take the stones and put them in pre-made settings.

Her hobby was mostly her eye and design, rather than some skill or expertise at jewelry making using blow torches and grinders.

I was completely caught off guard and confused by seeing this ring when I opened the box. To begin with, I knew that she had not made the ring. She had to have purchased it, and I knew it was not cheap, like some gold-plated costume piece.

The second thing was I was at work. I knew she liked me, we were office friends, but this just seemed off. I told her I thought it was a beautiful ring but that there was no way I could accept it.

She was baffled. She thought she was just being generous and I was rebuffing that. She could not seem to understand why I did not want to keep it and I failed at conveying enough not to hurt her feelings. Her idea of being a giving, loving person fell flat and there was nothing I could do to make that better just then.

I did not want to tell her that giving me a ring made me wonder if it meant she had some serious expectation that I would wear it regularly. What I don’t think she calculated was that just because she was a jewelry person did not mean that I wore jewelry in the same way as she did.

She clearly did not know I wear jewelry because it has a romantic or family history connection. I tend not to wear costume or fine jewelry willy-nilly. Putting that ring on my finger would mean something more, or for sure something different, to me than it probably would to her.

I share this so that you look at your generosity with the questioning eye of the receiver.

It is one thing to be known as a generous person, and that is worth aspiring toward being. It’s quite another thing to give a gift that conveys a mixed message or an incomplete communication. Gifts that are received as a clear, unconditional expression of appreciation or affection are special treasures.

These do not have to be of high monetary value.

Even if there is an imbalance in the relationship, in terms of economics, it doesn’t have to mean the more prosperous should not bestow gifts out of kindness, affection and a spirit of sharing the wealth. It just means there is an art to gift giving, and it requires some forethought.

I was certain my friend was in a position to be uber generous with any of her friends and family, more so than I was at the time, as I was a young mother building a career. What made this experience also unsettling was I did not know if by accepting the gold ring I would be conveying a message that I would reciprocate, in some way, at some point.

Do what you can to try to avoid making the misstep my friend made, and this friendship will grow in value.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.